On growing old

I decided today that I am afraid of growing old. Growing old terrifies me. The idea that someday I will be forced to move at a glacial pace is utterly horrifying. I will be removed from my job and in time, my life.

I will lose fine motor control, one day it's the ability to paint my nails... the next I'll need a nurse to do up my buttons and zips. I'll be a burden on all those around me. I will forget people and mistaken memories and take my old-fashioned ideals and, in an effort to help, I will effectively ram them down the young people's throats. My limbs will shake and my hair will grey. My skin will wrinkle and my breasts, as small as they are will sag. I will be old.

I know it doesn't happen overnight, I know that the transformation will be slow... but still, it will happen. One way or another I will grow old.

What if I fall in love? The man I love wwill grow old as well. One day we are cutesy and passionate and then comes the awkward transitional phase spent dying our hair and wearing young clothes... and then, in a blink of an eye, we will reluctantly come to terms with our age as our grandchildren make nurses come take care of us. One minute we are holding hands and dancing in the moonlight... then we are installing a lift in our home or moving to a bungalow because it is sensible for us... and the next... one of us will be gone.

One of us will be gone. I pray it will be me. I wouldn't be able to cope with knowing that he is dead, that he abandoned me. He would have left me to keep aging, keep wrinkling, keep decaying, the nerve endings shrinking and shriveling... leaving me alone to slowly return to dust while I am still alive.

Does this make me selfish? I know it does! In an ideal world we would die together, before our bodies stop responding to simple commands, before we eat more pills than solid food, before we have specialists in every division of the local hospital, before our hips are more plastic than bone. I realize that dying early would be tragic but I think that growing old would be the worst fate possible. I think that age is best left for those who are brave and those who are heroes in their own right. I am a coward.

I think that age defines us. Age defines us despite not knowing us. Age is the only thing that we all seem to share. Age doesn't look at your economic standings nor your educational background... it just takes you... everyone, some sooner than others. Then you die. Simple as that.